Cari's blog

What is your name??

2006-10-19T05:00:00.000-05:00

What is your name? When someone wants to get to know us they ask the simple question of “what is your name?” Our name identifies us. When someone asks our name they are saying they value us. This question says I do not want to just pass you by and not know who you are – I want to really know you. The question is personal. And then when we offer our name we walk into a relationship with the other person.
This question, “what is your name?” is asked both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament. It is first seen in Genesis 32:27. Jacob has been wrestling with God all night long and is insisting on God blessing him before he lets go of God. This spunky little Jacob, who is seemingly winning the wrestling match with God says in essence no way will I let go until I get some kind of blessing for staying up all night wrestling you. I can see God with a laugh and a wink in His eye asking “what is your name?” Jacob gives his name only then to be renamed “Israel” which means “prince of God. May God reign.” Because Jacob wrestled with God, he is given a name beyond all other names.
And then this question is seen in Mark 5:9 when Jesus asks the demon possessed man what his name is after he casts the demons out of him. Jesus restores him. This man has been wrestling with demons, and yet Jesus wants to know his name and heal him. His name was Legion because he had that many demons within his body. This man lived in a cave – the townsmen tried to chain him down because of his wild behavior but that didn’t work – and night after night he would cut himself with stones. And yet when Jesus heals him and asks him his name, he becomes transformed by God’s grace. Legion wants to go with Jesus, but Jesus tells him to go be a witness of God’s mercy.
God is looking to be our personal God whether we are wrestling with God or with the demons in our life. He still longs to know our name. I am working now as one who gives pastoral care. When I introduced myself to one of my folks I introduced myself as Chaplain Willis. He looked at me with a completely perplexed face and asked, “now why are you going by Chaplain Willis?” Now mind you this is within the first 5 seconds of us meeting. He went further on to assert “you don’t even like the title Chaplain – do you?” I stood there stunned for a minute or two I am sure. And I said simply “if the truth be known, I don’t like the title Chaplain.” He quickly replied “Yep, you like being called Pastor, so pastor it is. So hi Pastor Willis.” I know I must have kept staring at this man because indeed Pastor is my favorite title. How he immediately could see into my mind and heart is beyond me. But it was important from the very beginning that he got my name right. What is your name? How do you want to be identified? Will we allow God to rename us? Will we allow God to transform us? God wants to be our personal God who knows our name – who looks into our innermost being and knows our true name.

Does God Suffer?

2006-10-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

I have to write a paper for Christian Theology and I am going to write it on "does God suffer?" The early church fathers who are called the Patristics (I did learn at least 1 thing last year) claimed (and I am being real base here) that God does not suffer because God does not change. This claim has been debated a lot especially by more recent theologians - some make the statement that God does indeed suffer; in fact our personal God suffers with us in our suffering. I am just starting my serious reading about this so I have no sound opinions one way or the other - but the idea that God suffers with us; a loving God; a loving Father who mourns when we mourn is a very attractive thought especially in my hospice world.
I welcome ALL thoughts on the subject, so don't be shy to post!! What do you think? Does God suffer? Does it make a difference to your beliefs that God suffers / doesn't suffer? Let me know! If you want to just tell me, send me an e-mail.

I love her more than I can say..

2006-09-28T05:50:00.000-05:00

I was having a discussion with one of my hospice patients about his daughter when he said "I love her more than I can say." This was followed by another statement "I can't thank God enough for her." These short lines are packed with emotion and intensity. They speak from the depths. This is how family is supposed to be - filled with deep, abiding love and continual thanks for God placing us in the right home when we are born. As I thought about these words once again last night I realized that surely this is what Jesus said in his prayers to the Father. I imagine too that He continues to say this to each one of us. "I love you more than I can say. I simply cannot thank my Father enough for you."

Brother's and Sister's in Christ

2006-09-16T06:30:00.000-05:00

Do we consider prisoner's our brother's and sister's in Christ?
We read in Isaiah 61 and Luke 4 "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners.." I started my field education placement this week at a prison where I will work with the dying patients. One of the staff there told me she believes her vocation or her calling is to witness to these men at the end of their life. She brings them the good news of the gospel, but what really appeals to them is that she believes they are "family." She is their sister, and they are her brothers. To be connected and to have family, when so many of her patients have been discarded by those who were supposed to love them, and so hearing the word "family" redefined for them is life and light to them.
Are the prisoner's our family? Do we embrace them as we would our "real" brothers and sisters? Are we anxious to release them from the darkness they are in?
I know these questions challenge me. I know my fears as I hear the iron door close behind me. I know the depth of sadness that overcomes me when I walk into their world. But will all of that keep me from reaching into their darkness and calling them brother?

Thank you for your prayers

2006-09-10T13:07:00.000-05:00

I have been sick this year and my pain has gone undiagnosed. Tomorrow I go in for yet one more test or "procedure." As I go in I know I have the prayers of SO many, especially my dear church, Grace Bible Fellowship.
As so to say thanks I am going to take the liberty of turning Philippians 4:6 around a little bit – “I cannot be anxious about anything, because in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving my church and my dear friends and family have presented my requests to God.” Your prayers have covered me with the peace of Christ that passes all understanding. Your prayers remind me that this is what Christ meant when He told us to be ONE body of Christ – we pray earnestly, faithfully and deliberately for each other – we carry each others burdens. I think about my own body when I think of this analogy. As my one eye is weak, the other one compensates and remains strong in order for it to seem that both are working equally. When one of us is ailing another one of us comes along side and helps carry us through so it feels like we aren't suffering as much as we are.
So, I thank all of you who have been coming along side - who have been there for me because you just want to be the hands, the feet, the eyes, the arms of God. I have been buoyed up by your love. I thank God for placing you in my life and pray God’s rich and bountiful blessings on you for staying faithful to the call to be the people of God.
I love you more than I could ever possibly say. My gratitude runs so very deep. May the Lord bless you in mighty ways!

Burden Me Paaahhhllleeease

2006-09-02T05:36:00.000-05:00

How many of us have said “Burden me, pahhhleeeasseee” to a friend? Ok, it might be a little more diplomatic than that, you may have said something like “please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, ok?” And what is our quick response, “oh absolutely I will. Thanks so much.” And in our mind we are saying... NEXT... right? And our dear friend probably went on to say “I mean if you need to have someone run to the grocery store, if you need a meal, if you need someone to sit with you, whatever your need let me know and I will take care of it for you.” And as they are speaking we already know we will not actually call them and give them a list of our needs. That is not how it is done, right? I mean we are all self-sufficient. We do not need other people to take care of us. If we need food, we can simply eat out if it is too much of a bother to cook anything. If we are in need of medicine from the pharmacy, surely a family member can get it for us so we don’t need to call a friend. We have it all under control. We are self-sufficient islands.
And yet, this is not how we were built. We may want to think that we are an island, but we are not. Let me repeat we are not self-sufficient islands no matter how much we think we are. We need each other. We are not whole without each other.
So why do I stress this point?? I have been ill most of the year and have had three surgeries. Throughout most of it my husband was caring for his dying father. I tried the “stiff upper lip” approach for a while and I was miserable. The Lord kept telling me that we are ONE body of Christ as a COMMUNITY of believers. Each one of us individually is not a self-sufficient body of Christ. As my Doctor’s would suspect one organ to be the culprit of my illness, I would hone in on that organ and learn all I could about it off the Web. The Lord kept showing me that each organ has its own function and is important in their own way. For a time there they thought I might have pancreatic cancer as they saw a mass in the pancreatic tail (who knew there was a “tail” on our pancreas). Well in my research I found that if you have cancer there then you might as well pack your bags for Heaven because there isn’t much the Doctor’s can do. The very well hidden pancreas, which seems to have little function, is vital to our existence. And then I thought how many people do I know in my life who are like the pancreas? They are the ones who intentionally keep themselves hidden from you, but they are most likely your prayer warriors, or those who show up to clean the church when no one is looking. They are vital to our existence, but we give them no heed. We don’t think that we need them, and yet without them we will no longer exist as we were intended.
I have been learning through all of this that compassion is a two-way street and not a one way street like I had always thought. I thought I was responsible only for giving compassionate care to others. And finally the Lord showed me clearly that if others did not ask for the help then I would have no one to give compassion to. And by making myself an island that was self-sufficient, I too was robbing others of giving compassionate care. I had so many friends who offered their time and energy – who wanted to be that arm of compassion – that listening ear – that shoulder to cry on. But I was stiff arming them saying “no worries.” All because I didn’t want to BURDEN them and yet they were screaming BURDEN ME.
Thankfully my hardened exterior started to crack and I let others in on my needs, my fears, my heart aches, and my frailties. And the most amazing thing happened – they all responded with love, care and prayers. That is how it is in community – we love and care for one another. We rally around those in need if they will only let us in. We want others to burden us, because one day we know we will be asking to be a burden to them. And if we don’t make it a 2 way street, then we will find ourselves as isolated islands realizing that making it “on your own” is a very depressing state of affairs.
We need each other. We long to care for each other. We are community. We all collectively are one body of Christ. We all have our part to play which makes us VITAL to each other. Let us go about the task of burdening each other!

2006-08-24T09:30:00.000-05:00

Women in Ministry - Part 2

First - My thanks to all of you who posted your comments and were so encouraging. This whole issue has been in the news with the woman in New York as well! As my friend Josh put in his blog (and I don't quote exactly) "and why is this headline news?" It is strange after all of these years this issue of women in ministry can still make it to the "top news" of the day, but I think it is because we are still divided on exactly what Paul meant!

Anyhow this is the "rest of the story":

After my confrontation with the staff member I looked up with all of these questions on my mind, I saw one of my fellow Duke students walking towards me. I asked her if she had a moment as I needed to talk to someone. I told her the story of what had just happened and asked her for her opinion. She asked, “did you use the word ‘call’?” And I told her yes. She said that she was sure that the word call is what set the staff member off. She said especially some religious Southern Baptist black women do not believe God calls women into ministry – into other areas of leadership in the church, perhaps, but not into ministry. I told her I appreciated her insight. She said, “Cari, look at all of the women being called into the ministry at Duke. You are not alone. Right now there is an unprecedented number of women trying to get into seminary. Don’t let her question your call.” I looked at her with a broad smile and thanked her. God had put HER in my path at the right time.
Almost every day since that encounter I have heard her ask that question of me using the tone she had used. It has challenged me to really think about what I am really doing in seminary. It has made me go back through my journey and remember the day in which I felt the Lord was clearly saying “there is only one thing I need for you to do, and that is to serve me.” I have never felt worthy of this call. I have never understood why out of all of the people on this earth God chose me.
But then I also reflected on my days since I felt the call. My life has been immeasurably blessed by those who I have been able to minister to because the truth is, we minister to each other. The ministry is not a one way street – it is a two way street. And the best ministry is done in relationship – real, honest, warm, caring relationship. I may not be perfect and that is okay. The person I am ministering too isn’t perfect either. And the best thing is we know that! We can laugh about our imperfections, bolster each other up by saying what gifts we do have, and cry with each other when the weight of all of life’s struggles gets to be too much. Quite simply Jesus called me to love. Jesus said if you will be my hands of compassion and voice of love, I will do the rest. I have tried to live each day with that simple thought in mind. And Jesus reminds me that it really is just that simple.
I have seen this staff member since our exchange and she does all she can not to be in the same room with me. I just let that be okay with me. I don’t have a clear theological response to her real question of women in ministry. All I know is the simple truth of what Jesus called me to do – and actually what He calls each of us to do – look for those around you who are in need, reach out your hand to them, acknowledge them, and make them feel loved and special. So the real truth is, Jesus calls us all to be ministers – just all in our own way.

2006-08-21T12:22:00.000-05:00

Women in ministry?

One of my most challenging experiences has been when one of the Staff members where I was doing some pastoral care asked me a pretty simple question, “so do you think you will be a pastor?” as I was heading out the door. The question wasn’t asked as a mere curiosity type of question, but rather it was asked with a tone of “you better say you are not going to be a pastor!”
All of the sudden all of those fears, anxieties and misgivings about my call came rushing into my mind. “Yes, it is ridiculous that a woman thinks that she can get into the ministry – God only calls men.” “Yes, why are you here? Do you really think God said to YOU of all people, ‘come and follow me I want to make you a pastor’?” I sat there staring at her I am sure for a minute or so as I listened to my own internal voice.
I then tried to hear what she was really asking. She was asking whether a woman could be a pastor. I said to her, “I know a lot of people have a lot of thoughts on women in ministry. Some think that women can be pastors. And other religions absolutely will not have it. I don’t want to be a pastor of a church. I don’t feel like that is what the Lord has called me to. I feel called to be a hospice chaplain.”
Then I realized I had really struck a nerve. My low key tones and understanding and sympathetic eyes were not working. She was angry at what I had said. As she started talking I kept thinking to myself “what did I say?” “Oh so you think women can be called, huh? So God talked to you? God told you to be a pastor? So you won’t be a pastor of a church but you will preside over funerals, eh?”
My language now became that of a babbling brook. “Well, not a pastor in front of a large congregation. I can’t see that for me. Yes, but I guess I will be officiating funerals every once in a while. And I may fill in for a pastor on one Sunday. And I guess it is kind of hard to believe God would speak to me.” None of this was helping. I looked at the other folks in the room and they were just staring at this tennis match of words being played out in front of them. They couldn’t speak. Their eyes were fixated. Their jaws dropped. And then I simply said, “I just don’t know why God asked me to do this. I don’t have the answers. But I just pray I am a blessing to those around me. I better go.”
I can still feel the tenseness in my body and how I felt absolutely stunned. Had God put this woman in my path to say I don’t belong in the ministry? Had she asked those questions to test me? What am I doing? Where am I going with all of this ordination stuff anyhow? Why am I here?

Before I put in the "end of the story" I would be interested in your comments. Do women belong in ministry??

2006-08-16T18:54:00.000-05:00

Faith
Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Faith is not a full pantry. Faith is not a house full of furniture. Faith is not a bank account full of money. Faith is saying in my poverty I see you. Faith is saying in the midst of circumstances that seem dire, I believe you are there. Faith never gives up the hope even when things seem hopeless. Faith is stepping out in to the deep end of the pool knowing the arms of the one who loves you the most will catch you.

2006-08-14T20:43:00.000-05:00

A Tribute

My father-in-law passed away recently. As he took deep and sleep-filled breaths he went peacefully on. His boy-like enthusiasm, his quick wit, his sparkling blue eyes, and his infectious laugh will be missed by all who knew him.

I remember after our first dinner together he introduced me to his love of Boy Scouts. This came in the form of a homemade oven. He made these ovens out of cardboard, a bit of aluminum foil (ok a lot of it) and a couple of pieces of charcoal. Each oven was a work of art. They were sturdy enough for a weekend Boy Scout campout. And if you treated them just right they would last for several weekends after that. They were absolutely ingenious and I just beamed at him with pride over his invention. That seemed to seal the deal between us.

Over the 10 plus years we had together there were family meals where the latest joke was shared, a Christmas where he bought me kitty cat hand towels which still make me smile, and outings to various parks in the area to soak in the sun or take a quick trip out on the sailboat. The other place we used to go as a family was the Faculty Club. During our last dinner there was a little boy at the next table who seemingly laughed at everything. This absolutely tickled my father-in-law to the point that he was laughing with tears dropping down his cheeks. I was sitting across from him. Just watching him giggle had me in stitches. I will forever remember his face and his laugh that day as the joy was from the deepest part of him.

Another memory that I hold dear is when he and my mother-in-law came to pick us up at the airport after being gone for a week in Hawaii. He was so excited to see me that he literally picked me off the ground as he gave me a big bear hug. My father-in-law was a very strong man and so I thought he might have cracked a couple of my ribs, but I didn't care. His outpouring of love that day let me know I was missed and that he was glad to have me back.

I think one of the things he enjoyed the most though towards the end of his life were his almost nightly walks with our Saint Bernard, BB. He would get such joy out of walking with BB and seeing others reactions to such a big dog. BB has the ability to make everyone feel good when he is around. BB just wants to love on everyone he is with. BB used to get excited when he would see my husband take out the leash and say they were heading to see grandpa. He knew great scratches were awaiting him at the next house.

But I know the one picture that will forever be in my mind no matter how old or senile I get, will be seeing my husband, Roger, with his dad during those final months. Roger has always been a man of incredible calm, focus, and compassion. But seeing him with his father, attending to his every need, ensuring that his father was as comfortable as possible, and adding in a wheelchair ride outside just made me love my husband more. Roger didn't just try to let his father know that he was greatly loved right up until the end, he succeeded at it. In fact, Roger knew in his heart that his father would die the night that he did, so he stayed in the room with him. I know that must have added immeasurable peace to his father as he passed away.

There are always many tears that get shed as I move someone on my prayer list from prayers for healing to prayers of comfort for the family. In this case it is my own family I will be praying prayers of comfort for. I am grateful to the Lord that my father-in-law breathed such peaceful and sleep-inducing breaths as some of his last. And I am grateful for having been blessed by a man with a great zest for life for over 10 years. I love you Daddy D.

2006-08-12T07:45:00.000-05:00

Storms

This year has been a difficult one for me. I have some kind of illness that has gone undiagnosed for many months now. In our present day, we believe we can walk into the doctor’s office, hand them our list of symptoms, and then walk out with the right medications in order to cure us. We do not expect that we have to wait a long time to be healed. And yet, I have had to wait while getting poked and probed, tested with contrast and barium, and opened up to see what is lurking beneath my flesh.

Along the way I have been blessed with many friends who have offered words of encouragement. One such friend reminded me that Jesus walked through the storm on the way to the boat. The scripture text is told multiple times in the New Testament. A storm arises while the disciples are in a boat, and Jesus is on a mountaintop, praying. Jesus looks down from the mountain and sees the boat being swamped by the raging waves. He then walks down the mountain through the storm to the disciples. Jesus does not calm the storm first; he instead is in the storm with the disciples.

I started to put myself in the shoes of the disciples. The rain is coming down in heavy drops. The boat is being rocked back and forth. Water is coming in the boat at a rapid rate. The disciples are straining with the oars. The wind is taking them to places they do not wish to go. The boat is being beaten down and I am sure creaking loudly. The only good thing about the scene is that they have each other, but even that is probably eluding them. I am sure their only thought is “Where is Jesus?” They do not see that Jesus can see them and is surely praying for from the mountain top. They do not feel him. They cannot touch him. They feel abandoned. “Where did he go? Why isn’t he taking care of us?”

As day starts to dawn, Jesus walks down from the mountain and crosses the water toward them. As Jesus walks through the storm, He too is being pelted with the heavy drops hitting his face; the wind is trying to control his every movement and the waves are crashing up against him. And when he gets to the disciples, Jesus asks them a simple question, “why did you doubt?” Or, in other words, “Why did you doubt that I was with you? Why did you doubt that I would take care of you? Why did you doubt that I love you and care about your well-being? Look at me. I walked through the storm to come to you. I never left you. I was always here.”

As I think about the disciples, I realize how much I am like them. I ask Jesus why he doesn’t just calm the storm first. If he is praying on the mountaintop and seeing the trouble the disciples are in, then why doesn’t he just say “Peace! Be still!” from up there? But that is not how it is with Jesus. Jesus does not say anywhere in the Bible “I will calm all of your storms, every day will be a day of peace for you, and you will never strain your muscles.” What Jesus does say is “I will be with you. I will walk through the storms with you. I will give you each other in order to help lighten the load. Look around you and see your brothers and sisters in Christ straining with you. And even when you cannot see me, even when you doubt that I am looking at you, and even when you doubt I love you as much as I say I do, I am here.”

The storms will rage in our lives. It might feel like we are going to lose control. It may feel like it is only a matter of moments before we go under. We may feel that we have been abandoned. We may not see clearly that a day will come where we will have peace. But Jesus is there to extend his hand to us. And if we put our hand in his, and do not doubt, He will bring us peace. He will also bring people in our lives to “strain” with us, to be his hands of compassion, and to show us his love through their warm embrace. Often, we only think of our own straining, but I have come to realize there are so many friends who are in the boat with me. And all I have to do is say “I need you” and they are there. We are not alone in our storms. And I am glad I believe in the one who will walk hand in hand with me in the sunshine or the rain.